Tavi Gevinson Saved My Life

For a while now I've been trying to adapt to my new life of being a 20 something in a big city, making time for school, friends, art, family and everything in between such as eating and sleeping. Instead of adapting and wrapping my head around what I had to juggle, I got myself into pit of depression that I never thought I'd get out of. I stopped going to school, I stopped having friends, I stopped sewing, painting and writing and I hardly ever saw my family. My days consisted of sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring, and avoiding human contact at any cost. My drinking started to become heavier and heavier and I smoked more cigarettes than ever.
The loneliness that harbored my existence started to drown me and I was puffy eyes everyday from crying and self pity. I hated every girl I met just because they had the ability to smile and a reason to get up in the morning. I hated every boy I met because they did everything I wanted to do, but better (not really, we're talking about pessimistic me) .
I'm really tired of talking about how shitty I used to be so here's where the turning point comes in. I took a very .... tiresome trip to see my mother last year in January. My boyfriend and I went on a road trip from San Francisco to Las Vegas where she lives, and where I had nothing to tell her as an update in my life. After the awkward time with my mother passed and it was time to go home she gave me a few magazines to read on the way back.
Fashion is the one thing that I think pissed me off the most at that time, remember? I hated women, I hated how much more beautiful they were, how skinny they were and jealous I was that I could never be "a girl like that" . But I loved fashion unfortunately, since I was a young girl I distressed , ripped apart and safety pinned my clothes about.
 I learned how to sew when I was 8 and first used a machine when I was 11, so I started making bags and accessories for myself which turned into my making clothes for myself in high school. But I was no longer sewing in this bout of depression which I call my way too early life crisis.
It didn't take me long during the trip back to start flipping through my magazines to find an article to distract myself with. At the end of the magazine I found a one page article with a tiny little fashion blogger that was dressed just the way I used to in high school, I read the interview and fell in love with her views on today's fashion magazines and her love for feminism, vintage and flower crowns.
As soon as I got back from the 8 hour trip from Vegas I googled the blogger "The Style Rookie" came up and I clicked.
There my life changed...well maybe not there because, I was green with envy. But that changed the more and more I read and saw her pictures. I was so impressed that she was just 14 and so well spoken, but then again when I was 14 I was all "listen to me, I know what I'm talking about!" Although I wonder if I actually did. I started checking in weekly, then daily, then one day a friend of mine came over.
Now I didn't talk about my love for Tavi before because, well I didn't know if anyone knew about her and I honestly thought everyone would laugh at me for looking up to such a tiny figure (little did I know, get it?) My friend had told me that I reminded her of this blogger that she likes, Tavi Gevinson. (excuse me) I was like "Oh my god!" and we talked about her all night. My friend had made my night by saying that I sound like a Tavi sort of sister when I talk (still one of the best compliments in my life). My friend told me about Rookiemag and that night I looked it up.
At this point I was feeling a little bit more comfortable with myself, but still not doing much of anything. I was sewing more and trying to start an etsy...I guess that's something. But I still was extremely depressed for some reason, and hated girls a little bit too.
A few weeks later I read more and more of Rookie mag and was starting to feel better and better, the writers, photographers, and members were all girls I would love to be friends with, if I weren't such a homebody bitch. Months go by and I read the article on girl hate. Holy crap, my whole world changed, I started viewing girls as my friends, equals and people to aspire to be rather than avoid and take up my life with jealousy. I learned to smile back at the girl I wanted to be, I learned to ....be confident. That girls weren't the enemy, it was the awful way I was viewing them.
Today I still read posts that inspire me to be a better person, and I know the whole thing is meant for teenage girls, it really helped me in this quest we call life. That even though there may be no justification in the end, I shouldn't let my journey down, nor anyone else's.
I may sound so fucking ater school special right now, but seriously it is much better to be inspired by those you aspire to be rather than avoiding anything "cool" or "hip" and just do what you fucking want to. Or else life sucks.
Read Rookiemag, it might change your life too.
http://rookiemag.com/
or Tavi's blog
http://www.thestylerookie.com/