So, like many posts, I have no idea where to start with my head right now. In the past two weeks I have been undergoing major self surgery to the brain, by collecting every thought that could possibly make me upset , highlighting those areas and putting them in the trash. I hate to use technology based metaphors, but 'ere I go... After putting those thoughts and feelings in the trash bin, it's not as easy to go back to them and fully press empty right away before feeling like I might need them one day, so maybe I should just put it on my hard drive . I don't even know what a hard drive could be a metaphor for in the situation I'm trying to tackle, but it could be that I look back on the situations and think things like "Fuck, well , I'm right. What the hell?" and "Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself".
Possibly I am, and in fact have been for far too long. I let my emotions get the best of me in the worst cases. Not what you may think- What I mean is I bottle up a continuous river of self hatred and doubt and in the times when I am trying to reach out to someone to break the dam, my hand is slapped back for ever thinking of going for that cookie.
A part of me wonders why I would ever try a move like that with some people. But then a huge part of me screams at myself saying "I can't fucking stand you, that's why I need to talk to someone else already!!"
Little bit o' background if you're not familiar with who I am. Hi I'm Elektra, I work from home, where I sew in a tiny little room. Stroon about are piles of fabric where my cat chooses to lay until I'm done. When I'm not sewing I'm doing things like this, writing, drawing, reading, eating, thinking, dreaming etc.. So the most amount of human contact I get in a day is (if I'm lucky and business is going well) Crystal, my favorite lady at the post office, and Alex, my outgoing coffee girl .Who is now gone so that's one off of my list and replaced with another girl I am forming a dollar-for-coffee relationship with at the moment.
I go crazy inside of my head. My boyfriend works nights, which is when I am not sewing anymore, so I write and do all that other crazy stuff, and when he is home, I have to be sewing and working on shit. He is also an artist and a guy with his own life.
It used to be for a good while there that my buddies would come over and drink 40's, or we'd go to the local gay bar and shoot pool THEN go to our place and pound 40's. I liked that because of how little contact I got in the world, they still were around to make me feel human again.
Now shit like that doesn't happen anymore, so yeah I'm kinda bummed. And I don't really want to go into full detail about anything-so I won't. Although I have no idea how to convey how I feel right now.
I'm trying so hard not to care about anything. I have been told for 15 years how much more emotional I am than my friends by one person. I never cease to fail her with my tears so she may have the opportunity to back out of our friendship. I'm not sad anymore though. I'm fucking pissed, and I have been trying for years to not be an angry person anymore. Where do I put all of this energy? My boyfriend hears me yap all the time, and he doesn't know what to tell me. He feels like he is in the same boat with his friends so it's like .."yay, we get to be pathetically lonely, together!!!......what should we do tonight?" Then we play pool on two separate computers because we've out played each other at the bar.
I guess this post is my first attempt at trying to find friends online. I am a frequent user of tumblr and rookie, and I see all of the friends that have been made through them. I wanna make friends!!! Haha.
If you feel like talkin' or reblogging each other's shit, that would be cool.
Again, hi, I'm Elektra. What's your name?
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