Trying to think up a way to design a diary-like zine isn't easy to do. Without a definite plot, the story runs amuck. Which is life at it's best. I guess the only things I have to look forward to are the retellings of what I find funny, inspiring, interesting and unique about life, and my own in particular. I have been a lazy fool for far too long, although to think of one's past in this way is ..great I think. To think that you were always perfect and at your best there is no where to lead to, besides keeping the balance of this perfection.
I am blessed with an unfathomable amount of regret, mistakes and miseries to work with. I know how to better avoid them and I know personally of the outcome and symptoms. It's been 3 years that I have attended college in personal pursuits, rather than social and professional , after 5 years of avoiding the fact that I had been kicked out of high school and had nothing of an education under my belt.
This was a shock to myself that I had been holding this off for so long. I have always in nature been a "go for it all" kind of girl. I liked to do homework, I didn't mind reading books when I was younger. I read at a slower pace and therefore felt stupider tempting the fate of an inner Billy Madison to shout out "ta-ta-ta-ta-taday, junior!" I have always liked being in the front of the class, keeping up, taking notes and paying the upmost attention especially when it came to english and creative writing classes. I of course got bullied for this, and had to cut gum out of my hair so many times that I had a bob by the end of the year giving a better chance at calling me a "dyke" and telling me that I looked like a boy. No surprise.
I was pretty much raised by my dad, playing sports and dressing myself in jerseys and blue jeans. Any time I even touched grounds of an extracurricular activity I was deemed a teacher's pet, or an over achiever. I didn't understand when I was a child that it was one of the best qualities to have, at the time I almost felt cursed.
I would cry almost nightly about the confrontations with other classmates. They stole my journal, they put down my art, they group together to point fingers when I was one of the only kids still standing during the spelling bee. No this doesn't hurt me anymore. I'm just giving you a little back story. This is all elementary anyway.
Middle school was like the major leagues compared to my high school experience. I think it's the bout of new found hormones fluttering about. I didn't understand girl on girl competition, I had no idea that FRIENDS stabbed each other in the back, and I certainly didn't know until then that I was ugly or stupid just because I didn't gave a boyfriend. And didn't until high school. I guess after a few months and school changes I deemed myself a "loner".
In high school I acquired a pack. It was nice, but i would change almost everything from then on. I no longer had myself anymore, I had other people to tend to and I wasn't used to this. Even in my home life I fended for myself. I was given 5 dollars at the beginning of the day to take the bus, get lunch, and come home. There I would make ramen and watch golden girls until my dad came home late at night (workaholic pretty much). I really did like being alone. I still do, but something in high school took that away. I spent too much time doing absolutely nothing that I feel like I lost a good few years developing myself. Especially those fine years that spit you right out into the world when their done chewing you up.
An epiphany hit me and I got my G.E.D. with an 88% in english by the way (which is OK)! I headed up to city college to glorify my got education down slip and turn it into a diploma. I started taking philosophy and history classes. I loved writing papers and the assigned reading but there was a creative side of me that was lacking.
I realized that I had been writing scripts since I can remember and had already thought of about a thousand stories thus far. So after a year and a half of lecture classes I enrolled in my first cinema class. I haven't left since.
I am in love with film making. The process, the on the spot configuration, the challenges, the stories to tell, editing, working with people etc… it's all there. Everything. Why hadn't I thought of this before? Duh!
So now I am waiting for my third semester to start. I have gone back to my ways and well, people will still be people. Yes I get called a teacher's pet, i get made fun of for color coding my lined scripts, and preparing detailed schedules of shoots but that's what's I want to do. I'm not doing any of this for praise from my teacher or any of the other students, but I'm finding that many other students are, and that's where their projects fall lacking. If I had the reader in mind this entire time I might have cut my elementary story short, but personally I felt that it rendered the post to a full circle, explaining my need to revert this thought that I should stop when people tell me to. Cause I have a feeling that most of the time they are telling me to stop, so they have no more competition. Pretentious? Maybe, if you think that. I think I'm calling out the hidden emotions that drive people to discourage others.
Since next semester I am retaking a class (for the experience not the grade) I know what assignments to expect so I have already started to prepare them for my brain is restless but my nerves lead the thriving ambition to no where with nothing to do. Fear I say, I need school? No, I just don't want to start outside projects that I won't be able to finish.
I guess I just needed to write all of this out for my own good to look back and see that at one time I did recognize this drive as a positive thing and not something that will ruin my sanity.
I think all in all what I really need is to grow on this idea and keep forward thinking about telling my story without pondering on the wants of readers, and most of all keep it up.
Thank you for reading.
Elektra
