Guys Just Wanna Have Fun Too

I was supposed to play "the rock" in a local community theatre version of Ozma of Oz until i got the chicken pox on opening day. I was devastated, the Wizard of Oz series were my favorite books and all I dreamt of doing was opening the stony gate to the Nome king for Dorothy and her friends.Instead I stayed home that week tucked into a purple rode sucking down soup and watching Nick Jr. until my dad left and I would change it to Jerry Springer. 

My dad knew how much the show meant to me, and I'm sure this was a moment he wished he had super-dad healing powers. Without any supernatural gifts, he still tried to make things better. We were avid board game players and I had been wanting Pretty Pretty Princess for ,like, EVER, DAD! But we mostly played Clue, Life, Payday and of course, Don't Wake Daddy (please). 

I was taking a nap when I heard him come home and that beautiful breeze of fresh air followed him into the room, the best smell in the world when your sick. He put down his briefcase and took off his jacket as normal, and sat next to me on the bed.

"How're you feeling?" He said as he put his hand to my forehead.

"Okay" I muttered back

"What do you want to do tonight?

"I dunno, I'm kinda hungry" I was always hungry.

"Okay, well we can order in. Do you want to play a game while we wait?"

"No, I'm okay. Can we just watch T.V.?"

"Okay" My dad turned the TV on for me, left the room and came back. Enthralled Who's Line is it Anyway? I hardly noticed him when he put something across the snotty tissue collection on my bed next to me. I looked down and it was Pretty Pretty Princess, in the pretty pretty flesh. 

As sick as I felt, I jumped out of bed and buried him in a huge hug. When we played that night he had no bars held when wearing the plastic clip on earrings and necklaces, I think he was even supposed to win the tiara but let me win instead. 

I always thought my dad would be the only male in my life to care about doing these little girlie things with with me, just cause he had to. Duh, he's my dad! But then again, I never even thought to invite my guy friends to do any of these fun things with me.

Instead I had been searching for a girl gang to join or start. Honestly even just one girl friend to talk to, for some reason I felt like they would be easier for me to connect with. But since the only friends I have are guys, we do things like play pool, kick back listening to metal, shoot hoops, watch the game and then play pool again. Don't get me wrong, I love pool and I love my friends but sometimes in the middle of a game my mind wanders off to thinking about a cat portrait collection I'd like to paint with glitter, painting my nails with little daisies , or the how-to I've been meaning to follow to make saddle shoes from my white keds (which are done, and are rad. Thank you).

In my search to find girls, I think I may have come off too strong because I was so excited and my constant requests to get a Ouija board, dress up in flowey white dresses and flower crowns to conjure up Judy Garland was a little overwhelming. I sat around bumming myself out for a minute, but then I realized I had never asked my real friends that I had been excluding just cause they're guys to do these fun things with me.

So yesterday when my friend texted me around the time we were supposed to hang out "What do you want to do?" and I was tired of saying "pool?" I finally said it...

"I've been wanting to make a Ouija board to conjure up ghosts, but we don't have to do that"

A little nervous and trying to occupy myself with a book I couldn't pay attention to, my heart jumped when my phone buzzed back.

"Hell yeah, that sounds tight"

Really? Okay, awesome! My friend came over, we searched for a piece of wood, sketched out the board and took out the wood burning tool. I started it out and figured he might have been nice and just wanted to hang out with me while I made the thing, but NO! He asked if he could burn some letters in too! I was shocked, but I still don't know why. Boy or girl, burning shit is fun. 

So while he did that I took the opportunity to put on some Jesus candles that I had turned into character candles for each of the Skins (UK) cast. I thought no one else but myself would think this was cool, but I took it out anyway. While lighting them my friend asked about how I made them, what materials to use and where to get the candles cause he wants to make one for his favorite metal dudes.

I was so excited to finally be talking about these things that I liked with someone that wasn't through tumblr. Soon enough my other buddy came over cause he heard we were almost done with the board, and when he got here he just threw on a flower crown with me, we put on the rest of the candles and tried to meet Judy. 

For a second there I of course thought, "These guys are only doing this cause I'm their friend and they have to" But they didn't have to, I didn't force them, I hardly even asked them. And now I'm realizing, neither did my dad. I had been so blinded by girl power that I assumed my guy friends has already excluded themselves from my interests. I was excluding them though, I somehow forgot all those times we hung out searching for ghosts in abandoned correctional facilities, playing poker with flowers, exchanging each other's writing, making zines and tapes together, the meaningless road trips to China Beach and Treasure Island, playing Nicki Minaj with the Kids Bop versions and laughing at the differences, playing music together, and doing all of those other joyful things that come out of a friendship like talking, and getting to know each other.

I know there might be times when I wish I could blatantly tell somehow how much my period is killing me this week, but I think I can live with that, as long as I get to keep my friends. And honestly the one time I was "caught" buying tampons with them, I offered to leave because of the huge line, but they kindly told me they didn't mind the wait.

It's a brighter day with this new realization, I don't feel like I need to hide a huge part of myself because I assume everyone will think it's lame, honestly, I think my dad really wanted to win the tiara and my that friends had been waiting for an excuse to put flowers in their hair since they moved to San Francisco. Next time I won't hesitate a second to ask them to do what I think are considered "girlie" or "lame" cause, guys just wanna have fun too.

Hi, I'm Elektra. What's your name?

So, like many posts, I have no idea where to start with my head right now. In the past two weeks I have been undergoing major self surgery to the brain, by collecting every thought that could possibly make me upset , highlighting those areas and putting them in the trash. I hate to use technology based metaphors, but 'ere I go... After putting those thoughts and feelings in the trash bin, it's not as easy to go   back to them and fully press empty right away before feeling like I might need them one day, so maybe I should just put it on my hard drive . I don't even know what a hard drive could be a metaphor for in the situation I'm trying to tackle, but it could be that I look back on the situations and think things like "Fuck, well , I'm right. What the hell?" and "Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself".

Possibly I am, and in fact have been for far too long. I let my emotions get the best of me in the worst cases. Not what you may think- What I mean is I bottle up a continuous river of self hatred and doubt and in the times when I am trying to reach out to someone to break the dam, my hand is slapped back for ever thinking of going for that cookie.
A part of me wonders why I would ever try a move like that with some people. But then a huge part of me screams at myself saying "I can't fucking stand you, that's why I need to talk to someone else already!!"

Little bit o' background if you're not familiar with who I am. Hi I'm Elektra, I work from home, where I sew in a tiny little room. Stroon about are piles of fabric where my cat chooses to lay until I'm done. When I'm not sewing I'm doing things like this, writing, drawing, reading, eating, thinking, dreaming etc.. So the most amount of human contact I get in a day is (if I'm lucky and business is going well) Crystal, my favorite lady at the post office, and Alex, my outgoing coffee girl .Who is now gone so that's one off of my list and replaced with another girl I am forming a dollar-for-coffee relationship with at the moment.

I go crazy inside of my head. My boyfriend works nights, which is when I am not sewing anymore, so I write and do all that other crazy stuff, and when he is home, I have to be sewing and working on shit. He is also an artist and a guy with his own life.

It used to be for a good while there that my buddies would come over and drink 40's, or we'd go to the local gay bar and shoot pool THEN go to our place and pound 40's. I liked that because of how little contact I got in the world, they still were around to make me feel human again.

Now shit like that doesn't happen anymore, so yeah I'm kinda bummed. And I don't really want to go into full detail about anything-so I won't. Although I have no idea how to convey how I feel right now.
I'm trying so hard not to care about anything. I have been told for 15 years how much more emotional I am than my friends by one person. I never cease to fail her with my tears so she may have the opportunity to back out of our friendship. I'm not sad anymore though. I'm fucking pissed, and I have been trying for years to not be an angry person anymore. Where do I put all of this energy? My boyfriend hears me yap all the time, and he doesn't know what to tell me. He feels like he is in the same  boat with his friends so it's like .."yay, we get to be pathetically lonely, together!!!......what should we do tonight?" Then we play pool on two separate computers because we've out played each other at the bar.

I guess this post is my first attempt at trying to find friends online. I am a frequent user of tumblr and rookie, and I see all of the friends that have been made through them. I wanna make friends!!! Haha.
If you feel like talkin' or reblogging each other's shit, that would be cool.

Again, hi, I'm Elektra. What's your name?

Tavi Gevinson Saved My Life

For a while now I've been trying to adapt to my new life of being a 20 something in a big city, making time for school, friends, art, family and everything in between such as eating and sleeping. Instead of adapting and wrapping my head around what I had to juggle, I got myself into pit of depression that I never thought I'd get out of. I stopped going to school, I stopped having friends, I stopped sewing, painting and writing and I hardly ever saw my family. My days consisted of sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring, and avoiding human contact at any cost. My drinking started to become heavier and heavier and I smoked more cigarettes than ever.
The loneliness that harbored my existence started to drown me and I was puffy eyes everyday from crying and self pity. I hated every girl I met just because they had the ability to smile and a reason to get up in the morning. I hated every boy I met because they did everything I wanted to do, but better (not really, we're talking about pessimistic me) .
I'm really tired of talking about how shitty I used to be so here's where the turning point comes in. I took a very .... tiresome trip to see my mother last year in January. My boyfriend and I went on a road trip from San Francisco to Las Vegas where she lives, and where I had nothing to tell her as an update in my life. After the awkward time with my mother passed and it was time to go home she gave me a few magazines to read on the way back.
Fashion is the one thing that I think pissed me off the most at that time, remember? I hated women, I hated how much more beautiful they were, how skinny they were and jealous I was that I could never be "a girl like that" . But I loved fashion unfortunately, since I was a young girl I distressed , ripped apart and safety pinned my clothes about.
 I learned how to sew when I was 8 and first used a machine when I was 11, so I started making bags and accessories for myself which turned into my making clothes for myself in high school. But I was no longer sewing in this bout of depression which I call my way too early life crisis.
It didn't take me long during the trip back to start flipping through my magazines to find an article to distract myself with. At the end of the magazine I found a one page article with a tiny little fashion blogger that was dressed just the way I used to in high school, I read the interview and fell in love with her views on today's fashion magazines and her love for feminism, vintage and flower crowns.
As soon as I got back from the 8 hour trip from Vegas I googled the blogger "The Style Rookie" came up and I clicked.
There my life changed...well maybe not there because, I was green with envy. But that changed the more and more I read and saw her pictures. I was so impressed that she was just 14 and so well spoken, but then again when I was 14 I was all "listen to me, I know what I'm talking about!" Although I wonder if I actually did. I started checking in weekly, then daily, then one day a friend of mine came over.
Now I didn't talk about my love for Tavi before because, well I didn't know if anyone knew about her and I honestly thought everyone would laugh at me for looking up to such a tiny figure (little did I know, get it?) My friend had told me that I reminded her of this blogger that she likes, Tavi Gevinson. (excuse me) I was like "Oh my god!" and we talked about her all night. My friend had made my night by saying that I sound like a Tavi sort of sister when I talk (still one of the best compliments in my life). My friend told me about Rookiemag and that night I looked it up.
At this point I was feeling a little bit more comfortable with myself, but still not doing much of anything. I was sewing more and trying to start an etsy...I guess that's something. But I still was extremely depressed for some reason, and hated girls a little bit too.
A few weeks later I read more and more of Rookie mag and was starting to feel better and better, the writers, photographers, and members were all girls I would love to be friends with, if I weren't such a homebody bitch. Months go by and I read the article on girl hate. Holy crap, my whole world changed, I started viewing girls as my friends, equals and people to aspire to be rather than avoid and take up my life with jealousy. I learned to smile back at the girl I wanted to be, I learned to ....be confident. That girls weren't the enemy, it was the awful way I was viewing them.
Today I still read posts that inspire me to be a better person, and I know the whole thing is meant for teenage girls, it really helped me in this quest we call life. That even though there may be no justification in the end, I shouldn't let my journey down, nor anyone else's.
I may sound so fucking ater school special right now, but seriously it is much better to be inspired by those you aspire to be rather than avoiding anything "cool" or "hip" and just do what you fucking want to. Or else life sucks.
Read Rookiemag, it might change your life too.
http://rookiemag.com/
or Tavi's blog
http://www.thestylerookie.com/