Tavi Gevinson Saved My Life

For a while now I've been trying to adapt to my new life of being a 20 something in a big city, making time for school, friends, art, family and everything in between such as eating and sleeping. Instead of adapting and wrapping my head around what I had to juggle, I got myself into pit of depression that I never thought I'd get out of. I stopped going to school, I stopped having friends, I stopped sewing, painting and writing and I hardly ever saw my family. My days consisted of sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring, and avoiding human contact at any cost. My drinking started to become heavier and heavier and I smoked more cigarettes than ever.
The loneliness that harbored my existence started to drown me and I was puffy eyes everyday from crying and self pity. I hated every girl I met just because they had the ability to smile and a reason to get up in the morning. I hated every boy I met because they did everything I wanted to do, but better (not really, we're talking about pessimistic me) .
I'm really tired of talking about how shitty I used to be so here's where the turning point comes in. I took a very .... tiresome trip to see my mother last year in January. My boyfriend and I went on a road trip from San Francisco to Las Vegas where she lives, and where I had nothing to tell her as an update in my life. After the awkward time with my mother passed and it was time to go home she gave me a few magazines to read on the way back.
Fashion is the one thing that I think pissed me off the most at that time, remember? I hated women, I hated how much more beautiful they were, how skinny they were and jealous I was that I could never be "a girl like that" . But I loved fashion unfortunately, since I was a young girl I distressed , ripped apart and safety pinned my clothes about.
 I learned how to sew when I was 8 and first used a machine when I was 11, so I started making bags and accessories for myself which turned into my making clothes for myself in high school. But I was no longer sewing in this bout of depression which I call my way too early life crisis.
It didn't take me long during the trip back to start flipping through my magazines to find an article to distract myself with. At the end of the magazine I found a one page article with a tiny little fashion blogger that was dressed just the way I used to in high school, I read the interview and fell in love with her views on today's fashion magazines and her love for feminism, vintage and flower crowns.
As soon as I got back from the 8 hour trip from Vegas I googled the blogger "The Style Rookie" came up and I clicked.
There my life changed...well maybe not there because, I was green with envy. But that changed the more and more I read and saw her pictures. I was so impressed that she was just 14 and so well spoken, but then again when I was 14 I was all "listen to me, I know what I'm talking about!" Although I wonder if I actually did. I started checking in weekly, then daily, then one day a friend of mine came over.
Now I didn't talk about my love for Tavi before because, well I didn't know if anyone knew about her and I honestly thought everyone would laugh at me for looking up to such a tiny figure (little did I know, get it?) My friend had told me that I reminded her of this blogger that she likes, Tavi Gevinson. (excuse me) I was like "Oh my god!" and we talked about her all night. My friend had made my night by saying that I sound like a Tavi sort of sister when I talk (still one of the best compliments in my life). My friend told me about Rookiemag and that night I looked it up.
At this point I was feeling a little bit more comfortable with myself, but still not doing much of anything. I was sewing more and trying to start an etsy...I guess that's something. But I still was extremely depressed for some reason, and hated girls a little bit too.
A few weeks later I read more and more of Rookie mag and was starting to feel better and better, the writers, photographers, and members were all girls I would love to be friends with, if I weren't such a homebody bitch. Months go by and I read the article on girl hate. Holy crap, my whole world changed, I started viewing girls as my friends, equals and people to aspire to be rather than avoid and take up my life with jealousy. I learned to smile back at the girl I wanted to be, I learned to ....be confident. That girls weren't the enemy, it was the awful way I was viewing them.
Today I still read posts that inspire me to be a better person, and I know the whole thing is meant for teenage girls, it really helped me in this quest we call life. That even though there may be no justification in the end, I shouldn't let my journey down, nor anyone else's.
I may sound so fucking ater school special right now, but seriously it is much better to be inspired by those you aspire to be rather than avoiding anything "cool" or "hip" and just do what you fucking want to. Or else life sucks.
Read Rookiemag, it might change your life too.
http://rookiemag.com/
or Tavi's blog
http://www.thestylerookie.com/

Dusty Ballerina

I have been in love with ballerinas since those awesome books, remember Angelina Ballerina? And the book always came with a necklace with a charm of ballet slippers? Well my adoration for the all over pink tutu has lost me, but I am still in love with the beauty and strength these young womens gotz. I'm hoping this is before anorexia took it's boom.

Take a Walk in My Shoes

Hello, yes it's me the girl that wears floral boots and saddle made keds with sharpie, the girl whose highest heel is 2 inches, until now. I bought my first pair of high heels that takes a hideous amount of balance just to stand in. Five and a half inches, ladies! I am now 5'10" when I wobble down the street. This purchase is one of many "new Elektra" items that I am adding to my closet, my girlie side if you will. Pink lace peter pan collared top, bright mint flowey chiffon midi skirt, and various other items such as hair bows and basics from American Apparel have been the tender new apples of my eye candy. And then there were these.

My peep toe ankle strapped tan platform heels, my item I have been waiting for since I first laid eyes on Cher Horowitz, the item that I was waiting to prove to my dad that they were worth buying because "even if I don't know how to walk in them now, I'll learn". And I am learning, but I feel like my friends are reacting to this change of my mine. No not feel like, they are. Some good , some bad, some I have no idea but "okay"is my response.

My boyfriend doesn't like them because I'm taller than he is, but he likes that my city walk of 5 mph has slowed down. Another friend of mine told me he didn't care and it's awesome that I want to embrace my girlie side, which was cool. He even went to the bar with me to play pool and hardly noticed until he was drunk enough to realize I was now taller than him as well. My other good friend laughed when she saw me "You're wearing pink! And , oh my god! Look at those shoes!!". I took this as a compliment as it should have been coming from her.

But some other responses I can just feel, when someone keeps looking down with this look of "how are you walking in those? Why even bother?" But then again this is the same girl I got drunk with and watched Britney and Beyonce videos with. And I was like "That's why I bother". Cause I just like it, and I think that's the best way to describe and (hopefully I don't have to) defend the way I would like to dress myself.

I'm sorry, I'm a little over finding clothes on the ground and trying to piece them all together in a way that I can stand. That's fun to do, I mean when you find that really great piece and you know you can rock it. But I used to walk down the street just to find shit, that's what I called "shopping". But holy crap, remembering the days of going to Forever 21 with my dad and he would just sit down by the dressing room and give me an hour, those were the days!! Well one, I wasn't paying for it, but two, they had everything to make me look like a Spice Girl, a valley girl, or the tom boy that I used to be back when I'm talking about. So I never left with the English flag printed booty shorts, but I CHOSE my favorite bell bottom jeans and I got to TRY THEM ON AANNNDD find a pair IN MY SIZE!

Yeah, you don't think about that, huh. and wait wait wait right there, if you think I'm dissing vintage shopping , we're talking about a much bigger ballpark that I can't afford, so any piece I want there is out of the question. Seriously, I live in San Francisco, best cheap vintage I can find is on the internet and Thrift Town which is now raising their prices. RIP Thrift Town.

So back to shopping, I just don't want you to think I totally and only endorse corporate shopping, only sometimes cause it's just so fucking affordable. And that's something I'm up the wall jealous about when it comes to these new kid city slickers, rents paid for them as long as they answer mom's call. Jealous moment over.

I am completely happy with my new shoes, my new look and myself. That hardly happens, so it kinda sucks when my buddies look at my like a slut, I'm wearing tights and a midi skirt! So not slutty! And hey, I'm still wearing my kitty cat pentagram t-shirt!

Don't judge me, or I guess in one's words (not mine!) "Don't bro me, if you don't know me". I promise I will never say that again!

I wanna kick ass for a living

Here I am again, writing about something, hopefully. Every morning for a few months now I've been waking up with the same lurking feeling that keeps me in bed, "what is it all worth?" I find myself justifying my laziness and my affair with sleeping in and staying up late. Why is the first thing I do when I get out of my slumber, my deep beautiful dreams, is go on facebook? I'm choosing to torture myself by doing this, yet I do it every morning.
Here is where I see my dreams buried in the hands of other lives. She's happily married with a cute ass baby, he is playing shows all over the u.s. and just popped in the let me know and "p.s. fuck you". She is catching a flight to New York for a photo shoot of this years "favorite 30 under 30". Oh and great! Pictures of your new art show, what a beautiful gallery.
Of course I am more supportive than this and at least press "like" when I men to say "jealous" and I'll in the very least comment back with a "fuck you" to the flashy, in your face updates. But I can't deny that all of this sudden information quickly blows my reality out of the water just as I'm trying to come back to it.
Then I sit here. What the hell do I have to say about my life that would compare to anything that these people are doing, my life is like an instagram of last night's dinner in your feed compared to the people you must know. Yes, I see the loads of comments you get as well, "way to go, you kick ass" "your my hero" "you rule", and I'm impressed, not one from a family member. I guess this is where I should thank my step-mom for liking my little progress in life-Thanks, Soizic!
I write one thing, delete it immediatly because I don't want to come off as too negative. I write something else, and of course delete it because it sounds so fucking fake. I try one more time and delete it because, who the fuck wants to hear from me?
I have a phone for 2 reasons, Solitare and so that my boyfriend can let me know when he's coming home late from work, which is practically every night since he's the manager. So with me saying this-why do i include checking my phone in my morning routines? Well, seems useless enough, sure I'll do that.
I need to cut these things out because I am destroying my own dreams in the process. I'm already giving myself a heap of doubt, as it is, somewhere I think "these people must have been handed this opportunity" but of course we all know that's not true, and if you think it is ...well no, most of them worked for it and didn't chose to let those that they aspire to be similar to in success bring them down. Instead they're all, hey I wanna take pictures for a living and kick ass, so she does so. He's like "I can play any instrument you put in front of me, sure I'll go on tour with you" and well, the girl with the handsome husband and beautiful baby girl are just fucking lucky lol.
So today I'm changing the things I don't like about myself. First of all, I just made a new friend, you, and instead of gloating and writing my own sob story I'm actually going to work on that sob story script of mine and get all of this shit out of me. This is the day I say "I wanna make movies for a living and kick ass, try and stop me" -fuck why did I check facebook again? Just kidding!
My life won't change in a day, especially if I do nothing with every single one. Wish me luck! Oh and in me trying to "better" myself I'm going to try to scratch facebook from my morning routine and instead add blogging to either morning or night routine. Gotta get into it to see which works better for me.
Thanks guys,
Elektra